Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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