So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
