just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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