Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
