if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
