OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to calm my uterus...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
