I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
