yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize