Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
