R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
