I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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