I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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