Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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