through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
