Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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