My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize