I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
