The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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