Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize