My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
