they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
