mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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