Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
