I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize