he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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