ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
