see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
