I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you traded sex for a burrito?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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