Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
