don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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