I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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