Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
