Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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