hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
