btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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