Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
