she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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