I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
