I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
