Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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