the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
