My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
no you cant smoke seaweed
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
