I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
