WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize