he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
