no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize