pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
