Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize