I just saw a hot homeless man
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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