i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
