In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
