Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
