just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
