It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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