look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
