She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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