I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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