Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
